a little blue

this is all just a simple thing but i feel like writing them in here. i know i used to write stuff like this in my own journal or maybe share it with my sister, or my husband or just wrote in on my close-friend insta where not everyone would see. but i just don't feel like letting anyone knows i'm feeling blue. because maybe they'll think it's just another overthinking of mine, or that i'll feel bad because i'm spreading some negative feeling, or worse.. i'm afraid they'd agree with me. because when we overthink, in our head it make sense why we're overthinking it right? it make sense how and why and what happened or what could happened. we are our worst own enemy right, or as niki and taylor swift would say, we're the anti-hero of our own damn movie, right? so here comes.. i just want to get it out of my head for now. please don't read until the very end if you don't feel like reading some melodramatic women whims. 

 

i'm feeling blue. my closest ones will know why. my not-so-closest would think i'm feeling okay. but here i am, in the big league where it's a new hopeful place but not for me, the mediocre. from the very first time, i always think that this place is haunting me, because they aren't really treat their kind justice. yes of course injustice is everywhere even at my old place but here, it is the big league and nobody wants a mediocre. i always feeling like i'm so insignificant. i've always been telling myself that it's okay, maybe this is what i need, maybe this is what meant for me, maybe this is like a rest. but actually, i don't know what to think to convince myself that i belong. that i matter. that i am worth it. it's the feeling i had back in college. it is a feeling where i believe i am not worth. but now that i have a children, i'd blame myself for all about his growth and development. when my child hasn't walk i blame myself for not being smart enough as a person to pass this gene to him. when my child hasn't been able to do things or to play things as supposed to, i blame myself for having to work and not spend the day to teach him more. when my child isn't weigh enough i blame myself for not cooking him more extravagant food. so i criticize myself and blame myself for everything. it's my fault i'm not as smart and not as ambitious and not talkative and not really sociable and always try to press this feeling where i know people secretly dismiss me because i'm not good enough hence my child's growth and development is average because of me. i always act like i don't care. always putting up a smile, always pretending i know what's up, always fantasizing about what would it be like to be "great". just so anyone will simply include me. i'm not being frank about anything in here but i think i've pour out enough. 

 

on my birthday few months ago, i told my family that i'm still searching for something to be good at. still searching for my passion, searching for something i'd really enjoy, still searching for a purpose. i know maybe some of you will know but, the feeling of insignificant and this hole in the heart it's just so hard to ignore sometimes. i used to think with what i have in life now.. i will not feel this anymore. but no, as long as we live... we would always have this phase where we question everything, feeling helpless, feeling lost. but it's not just you, not just me, everyone is fighting silent battle we know nothing about. so dear me, i know my closest ones have told me that it's okay and nothing to worry about but i didn't really hear them before. but it is really okay. it's completely okay to feel insignificant and feeling like you're not worth it. at the end of the day, wether people say it to your face or just imply it, ask yourself.. who are they to say that you aren't worth it? are they worth that much to say who's worth and who's not? we have our own perceptions and so did they. i'm not blaming anyone, i'm blaming me. something happened to me that made me feel like maybe their wrongdoings is justifiable. i am this, that's why they're that to me. and now i am telling myself that "it's okay and normal to be failed, but you're not a failure" and i also telling myself that "it won't matter what they think, it is okay to let them get though you but it isn't okay to just give up on yourself" sometimes, i think to myself.. "when i am hurt, but i pretend like i don't, those people keep hurting me (which they don't know they did), then this wound keeps getting bigger, i pray to God, and all these people walking on the street having a bad day not knowing maybe their bad day is 1% of God's way to pay back my feeling of being hurt. so yeah, being a good person is hard. i'm not saying that to me, i mean.. think about it, people think they are a good person but 1 person had a beef with them unknowingly, and they're not good person. it always makes me think.. all this time i'm hurt, and always being cautious about what to say, what to do, how to engage with people, how to socialize... have i hurt anyone accidentally so that i'd feel bad like this now? i mean when i hurt someone i make sure they'd know i was sorry.. but what if i didn't know that i hurt them? just like these people that don't know i'm hurt by them? lol this world is confusing and this post is really all over the place. thank you for coming to my overthinking brain. thank you. but anyway.. if i hurt you in any way... i want to say i'm really sorry. i believe God must've loved you, God got your back because i feel the same :)

Appartment story

 hello!!! jadi setelah menikah.. tentunya kehidupan baru dong yaa bersama suami. walaupun ada rumah orang tua yang nyaman, dan kayaknya no rush juga sih. tapi aku pun rencana ajuin pindah ke pusat aja supaya berangkat bareng suami. akhirnya dr sebelum nikah udah mulai survey2 tuh untuk tempat tinggal. mulai dari kos pasangan, kontrakan, sampai akhirnya apartemen. kos pasti nya akan terlalu sempit ya, dan kurang nyaman untuk masak karena dapur bersama. waktu itu pun entah kenapa gaada kamar kosong. padahal suami udah sempat cek. kontrakan udah pasti off the list karena mahaal atau kalo ada yg harga nya cocok, kurang nyaman lah ya. akhirnya mulai searching2 nya apartemen karena harga ditengah dan space nya lumayan. gak luas banget tapi udah lengkap. long story short, sudah menikah ni, cari-cari browsing-browsing, sampe akhirnya nemu 1 yang lokasi oke, fasilitas di foto sih oke, langsung cobain sewa 1 bulan dulu via aplikasi disitu, langsung cus juga ga lama stlh nikah. eh ternyata nyaman dong.. lalu bawa barang-barang yang ALHAMDULILLAH NYA banyak hadiah yang super berguna untuk bina rumah tangga!!!! bener-bener karena hadiah2 ini kita bisa "isi" apartemen. nah, tadi nya orang tua ku rada "hmmm?" dengan idea of living in the appartment ini. tapi ternyata pas mereka kesana, mereka juga merasa nyaman. memang apartemen pertama ku kayak hotel banget hahaha nyaman dan dekat, akomodasi oke deket banget sama halte busway dan view nya oke banget, waktu itu aku bener-bener dari serui yang kontrakan no view tiba2 di jakarta di lantai 31 dengan view yang wow banget!<3 plus, lantai kayuu, daaan waktu itu di serui aku nonton youtube appartment2 tour di LN terus, nonton series judulnya "Only Murders In The Building" yang mana apartemen disini mirip bangeet aku bener2 excited banget waktu itu. newly weds, new life in a brand new place (for us sih tp klo appart ini ya jelas udah lama), ig story closefriend isinya full banget dengan masak2, belanja, kyk happy bgt gitu wkwkwk it was a really great start, apalagi aku yg slama bbrp thn ini tinggal di papua, bahkan jendela kamar kos ku disana pun cuma bisa kedapetan cahaya matahari sedikit banget.. siang2 bahkan harus nyalakan lampu dan kamar kos tahu lah ya gak besar space nya, dan ada banyak hal yg bikin aku moody tinggal jauh dari comfort zone sehingga pasti beda banget kan haha. ini lah bbrp view apartemen pertama kami... view dari jendela besar yang terkadang kami kyk wow banget bisa tinggal disini haha ofkors skrg gak tinggal disitu lg krn 1 dan lain hal, makanya aku bisa share a glimpse, tapi tiap lewat sana kami selalu sapa dan mengenang what a fond memories the time we have in there, sayang xavi ga smpt ksna yaaw haha tapi awal testpack ya disituu hihi.

Long Time No Post - series i've loved the past year

 halo apakabar!! long time no post, ini cuma curhatan random aja ya, karena liat2 kebawah dan liat2 sekarang udah banyak hal baru dan berubah dan seru untuk di update. udah lama aku pernah cerita bahwa aku paling susah namatin series. but guess what?? now I've finished few series!dan bukan sekedar series yang 1-2 season ya tapi ini 10seasons+. Jadi waktu itu posisi lg hamil muda, tapi masih di papua karena mutasi belom acc juga. intinya masih nunggu mutasi lah ya. nah, pastinya dengan kondisi pusing+mual+males makan, suruh banyak istirahat, dll di trimester pertama.. apalagi sendirian nihh jauh dari suami, dari keluarga, yg rasanya pas hamil pengen dimanja malah sendiri... aku bermeditasi dan mengingat bahwa walau sendirian dan gaada hiburan dll harusnya masa2 ini dijadiin waktu dimana aku bisa enjoy the most dong. tapi dengan cara apa? akhirnya ya dengan nonton series. aku sadar kalo pindah nanti pace kerja pasti berubah, kalo di sana dulu aku sering wfh, sendirian jd udah ada suami tapi gak ngurus suami karena jauhan yakan, lagi disuruh sering istirahat jd lumayan punya waktu luang banyak. pertamanya aku sering liat iklan nya di youtube.. akhirnya tertarik dan nonton shortclip2nya, akhirnya keterusan dan "yaudahlah mari join" alias mari memasuki dunia komitmen menonton. apakah bisa?? 

turns out, i really enjoyed it!!!!! super seruu, lucuu, dan bikin aku sayang sm karakter2nyaaa<3 it is no other than... FRIENDS!

suka bangettt<3 awalnya sempet berhenti karena ya series amerika tuh sering banget bikin geli dengan free sex nya ya, gonta ganti pasangan, nah tapi aku trs liat dr perspektif lain soalnya gak semua begitu kok, banyak juga yang dia emang lagi mencari relationship for eternal kyk monica, chandler, yang mana my faveeee couple<333, also fav character even before they're together!! seru dan sayang banget jadinya. tiap episode kreatif, seru, even sampe skrg rewatchable banget gak ngebosenin hahaa. aku start di trimester awal, dan selesain FRIENDS pas xavi udah lahir sih, tadinya intens nonton bener2 sempet pas di papua itu aku nonton 1 season 2 hari, tapi begitu udah dapet sk pindah, udah hamil makin besar, mulai berkurang intensiti dan kecepatan menonton akhirnya selesai nya baru setelah melahirkan tapi waktu masih cuti melahirkan, jd pas kalo lg menyusui itu sambil nonton hahaha. jujur sedih pas mau habis. kayak "noooo" karena rasanya beda banget kan nonton ulang dan memang masih nonton. kyk pengen ulang dari aku gak tau apa2 gt nonton nyaa huhuuu. masih jadi kecintaan sampe skg sering rewatch di episode2 tertentu. dan aku amazed banget sama evolving nya rachel yang tadinya super manja jadi wah bekerja sesuai passion dan on a career ladder.. dan make sense nya juga! dia di season 4 kayaknya baru start kan, itupun gak semudah dan secepet itu jadi waktu dimana dia berhasil untuk mencapai karir impian nya make sense gitu keren. dan aku juga ngerasa paling kocak itu Ross! suppossedly it's Chandler but idk ross itu yg ada2 aja gitu kelakuan nya wkwkkw. tadinya kukira aku akan paling favv phoebe because of her uniqueness yaa tapi ternyata aku fav monica kyk aku pgn belain dia terus gitu hahaha. tapi i love all 5 of them hua theme song nya bener gt mrk bnr2 nemenin aku di kala aku jam 2 malem bangun nyusui, dikala aku tm.1 hamil dan sendirian.. <3

keduaaa, akhirnya aku balik kantor lagi, dan aku skrg ada kerjaan rutin yaitu PUMPING di kantor hahaha. untuk nemenin diri ini pumping, akhirnya aku cari2 series lagi tapi jujur gatau apa.. adekku rifa udah sering saranin sustu series tapi aku males aja gitu. until one day dia nonton di tv besar dan aku ada disitu jd gasengaja ntn tapi kok ternyata asikk. jadi yaudah deh aku memutuskan okay i'm in the game now! wkwkk dan akhirnya aku nonton ini tiap pumping, per episode sktr 20mnt an jg kan, yaa kurang lebih gak kelamaan tp jg ga kecepetan jd bs nemenin pump sesh banget. ada 12 season.. it's..... THE BIG BANG THEORY!!

kalo ini aku habisin nya cepet, karena ada steady time yaitu setiap pumping dan walaupun sering ga ngerti perumpamaan sheldon, leonard dkk, tapi seru lohhh. yang paling surprising adalah aku tdnya se sebel itu sama Howard, geli gt, eh dia lama2 aku jd respect gt ke diaa. kalo fav char obviously Penny tapi overall sukaaa smua sihh hahah dan rooting for them all! di akhir sedih juga karena gak ada closure nya gituuu! kalo di friends tuh ada bahwa ini tuh "ending" tapi kalo tbbt bnr2 so sudden dan gak ngira bahwa this is it???? pdhl 12season loh!! bisa bgt ditambah sebenernya huhuuuu.

 

begitu ini selesai, aku masih pumping jadi bingung nonton apa? eh malah nemu sendiri yang ternyata fav series rifi. kalo yg ini 4 season aja dan aku ntn nya 2minggu atau 3 minggu gt tamat, krn dirumah ntn jg krn awal2 se seru ituu!! pas akhir2 bosen sih tapi yaa akhirnya habis.. series tsb adalah.. 

the good place!!! endingnya satisfying sih, puas dan oke senang gitu.. tapi cuma 4season dan yaudah akhirnya aku mencari lagi, dannnn akhirnya aku pgn back to detektif2an dan aku rutin nonton iniii..

 

COLD CASE! seru bangettt, plot twist and it all, tapi sedihnya adalah why is it called cold case? karena PASTI ada yg terbunuh.. jd sometimes it becomes too depressing to watch :(((( kadang serem juga pastinya, yaa akhirnya aku jeda2 nonton rewatch friends, tbbt lagii. until recently mungkin 1-2 bln ini aku nemu series baru yg AMAN BANGET dan bahagiaaa, dan gakkk ada uncomfortable scene dll ini SERU BGT kyk aku sering liat jg di youtube shorts tapi baru aja nyoba nonton ini waktu dinas ke bali dan ternyata seru!! it is..

aaaa seru bangettt Fresh Off The Boat!! i'm on the last season now huhu tapi masih dibawah ep 10 jadi there's still time, tapi kayak sedih jugaa mau ditinggal mrk ibaratnya huhu knp cmn 6 season sih.. di sisi lain kan aku ada dari awal si eddie masih kecil imut apalagi evan ya.. kalo emery always ganteng, tapi skrg aku ada di posisi bahkan evan suaranya udah ngebass huhu udah pada hit puberty! secepet itu dan yahh jadi sedih mengingat akan udahan. sekarang aku lg sambil nonton law and order svu juga tapi dari season 14 dan ya pilih2 sih, but it's kinda tricky karena itu td, detektif2an can be too depressing sometimes. knp start dr season 14 karena di prime vid mobile cuma ada dr situ, pdhl aku pgn ntn dr season 1 sih dan ntn berurutan huhu. next series apalagi ya yang akan nemenin akuu? 

makasih udah baca sampe siniiiii!